" B in 3D"..

There I was lying in the middle of my floor in a daze. I got up from the puddle of sweat and was trying to make sense out of what just happened. The only light in the house was that from the tv. Why can’t I remember the last 10 minutes of my life? I literally could not remember a thing. I wasn’t drinking or smoking anything to cause a memory loss of this sort. ( I don’t smoke or drink anyway..I get on high on life) I digress. I needed my memory back. I paced around the house for a minute to retrace my steps. I stumbled across some 3D glasses and a half empty glass of lemonade, some of which had spilled onto the carpet. Did someone enter my house and knock me out or something? What in the world happened? I turned on the lights and then the commentator on the tv erupted my thought process. He said “we’re still waiting for the power to come back on to continue the game”. That’s it!!!! A clue!!! I was watching the game. I remember that much. I looked at my phone and apparently I had recorded a video. I hit play and then it all came back to me. I was sitting there watching the Superbowl when she walked across the stage. She was in a black lace ice skater outfit but without iceskates.( swaggoo???) She danced, she sung, she twerked. ( yep she twerked on national tv). I thought I was over it but then my eyes and body were thrown in a trance and I was literally sucked into the tv. Normally I would be cool but the giant fire statue was what did it for me. I was done. That was a fire that I didn’t want put out!!! Let it burn!!! ( Whattup Usher) So after seeing the full video and seeing my zombie like behavior in the video I realized that Beyonce had taken control of the Superbowl and my house. Lesson learned . Never watch the Superbowl halftime show with 3D glasses.. Better yet never watch BEYONCE IN 3D PERIOD!!!!!!!!!!! BOOM!!

Running in and running out.. pt1

Everybody wants to look good. Doesn’t matter who you are or where you’re from, you wanna look good. No one intentionally goes out in public to look bad. I know I don’t. I wanna be fly at all times. However there are those moments in life where we think we’re gonna run in and then run out. If I’m just running in and running back out then there is no need to go out of the way to be fly, dope, cool, tight, etc,etc,etc,.. ( All those mean “look good”..Keep up). I needed to make a run to Walmart for some home supplies. Nothing big. I looked at my attire and figured I was good to run in and run out. I grabbed a t-shirt.. The neck of the t-shirt looked like I had a fight in it, but I figured it’s cool since I’m just running in and running out. I get to Walmart and it was like a ghost town. Perfect ,I thought. No one to judge this God awful attire so I can take my time. I grabbed my items and was prepared to leave when a nice shiny television display caught my attention. This was clearly going to hinder my mission of “ running in and running out”. I figured “ no one is in here” so I can take some time to look at a tv that I have no plan of purchasing. Suddenly ( there is always a suddenly..it’s suspenseful). I hear a familiar voice asking to be checked out. I look around the corner and it’s her. One of the many women in my teenage years that I thought was fine was standing 15 ft. from me in all her fineness ( that’s a word today folks) while I looked like an extra in Django . So I turned to go to another register and it was if God himself was laughing at me. At the next register was an ex I dated (dated is too strong a word) and she was with her new man. Only 2 registers open people. So I figured I’d just wait till they both left. Then out of nowhere (it’s the equivalent to “suddenly”) another cashier yells out loud “ I can get you over here buddy”.. Both women turned to look back and saw…… OH MY GOD!!! I'm thinking "What would Django do?".... to be continued.

No Shirt On With Baby Oil...I hurt!!!

I was just coming to grips with the fact that we where through. I spent the past couple of months trying to pick up the pieces of my heart and put them back together again. I hear you’re doing well. Congratulations on the new baby. I heard you named her after your favorite color. ( you always did love blue). Not that you really care much, but a lot has happened since we broke up ( in my mind). I hadn’t heard much from you in awhile except for pictures of you and your “man” court side at the Nets games. That was a minor setback for me as I would watch the game I love only to see my ex ( in my mind) sitting there court side throwing up random diamond symbols( it’s da ROC) throughout the night. I still didn’t crack. Even with all the hoopla surrounding your pregnancy with “him” ( HOV!!) I still kept cool and tried to salvage my life, well at least what was left of it when you left me. I was doing good for a moment. I was even back in church, doing better in school, and began to start eating again when out of nowhere you come back into my life. I was over you. You were my crack, my heroin, my molly, ( whew!!!!) and I kicked you away only for you to return. I blame social media and you for this relapse. I was just stalking..excuse me scrolling through the Facebook news feed when my friend Aeshia posted your pictures on her page. ( I blame her too).. I just lost it. I mean I heard of trying to make your ex jealous, but what you’re you doing now is just down right mean.. The cover of GQ ? Really B?? How am I supposed to move on from this relationship ( in my mind) if you are gonna be posing is these super hero getups without a cape?( Btw..You look great) How? What am I to do? Food has no taste and colors now seem dull again all because of you.. You don’t see me all oiled up on the cover of Men’s Weekly or Rolling Stones naked do you? How would you like it if I was on your cereal box with no shirt on with baby oil? I hurt B...I hurt....

Put The Debate In A Steel Cage

After watching last week’s presidential debate I’ve come up with few things that would make it a little more interesting. First off, we must understand that we are watching reality tv at its best. The last debate had everything you want in a reality tv show. The only thing that was missing was an actual fight and someone crying during the confessional. (Someone always cries. It’s in the contract I think) To add a little spice to things, I would have Chris Rock or Kevin Hart to moderate the debate. The moderator would be able to translate and put things in simple terms when candidates start using a lot of political jargon that can go over our heads. For example, the President says,” Governor Romney is not being forthcoming with the facts and it’s just not right.” Kevin Hart would then step in to translate and say, “ Listen up people. What the President is trying to say is that the Governor is lying like Stevie J on a paternity test.” (reality TV at it’s worse). Another thing I would allow to happen during the debate is slapping. If someone gets too disrespectful in their line of questioning or rebuttal then the other candidate has the right to slap them with an open hand in mid-sentence. Each candidate is entitled to one slap so they should use it wisely. Last, but not least, I would allow tag teams. Each candidate can bring their running mate with them. This will push ratings through the roof. In the first presidential debate it seemed as though the President needed a Red Bull or something. The Vice President, during the vice presidential debate, looked as if he had taken Viagra and washed it down with a 5 hour energy drink. ( smh...Poor Mrs. Biden) He looked like he was gonna cuss at least 5 times and then he would just laugh out loud while Rep. Paul Ryan was speaking. ( Poor Mrs. Biden) With tag teaming, if the President is getting tired or getting manhandled then he can tag his partner like they do in wrestling and Vice President Biden can come in off the top row and head butt Governor Romney. (Poor Mrs. Biden) Or vice versa. I know it’s a farfetched idea people, but let’s be honest, Monday night Football wouldn’t stand a chance if the Presidential Debate made these changes. One last thing...put the debate in a steel cage…. BOOM!! Ratings triumph!!!

Who is the Ugly One?

Sometimes you can’t see past the charming smiles and sweet text messages, but if you pay attention you’ll see that men can be just as insecure as women. I should know, because I’M A MAN BABY!!!! TRUE!!!!!!!!!!(IN MY 2 CHAINZ VOICE) . Our insecurity is based on two things usually and they are ( drum roll please!!) “Your beauty and our ugliness”. Pay attention because it could change your life!!. Now most men know if they’re ugly or not. Seriously, all dudes can look at their self and honestly say whether or not they’re kinda handicapped in the face. ( there should be stickers for those people) Ladies can judge themselves too. Here are some ways that you can know if you’re killing the game ladies. There should be at least 10 other girls that hate you; 6 guys that text you all day asking random stupid questions just for an excuse to hold conversations with you; and at least 30 -40 likes on each Instagram pic of yourself you post. If you are on that level and your guy looks like he may he need to wear his hat a little low to keep from scaring people, then he is insecure by default. Think about the story of Beauty and the Beast. He wouldn’t let her out of that castle just because he was mean. It’s because he realized that he didn’t have a camera ready face and some pretty boy would take his beloved beauty if she was out in the clubs on her own. ( That’s the Disney version flipped a little) In most cases it’s your fault that we men feel insecure ladies. If you have a handicapped faced man then it’s your job to make them feel that ugly is the new hot thing. If he’s broke and then you gotta make him feel like broke ain’t that bad as long as you gotta a plan.. ( I just came up with that).. Keep in mind this only applies to ladies that have met the criteria of fine. The tough part is deciding in the relationship which one is Beauty and which one is the Beast. ( it just got real) If your guy is the Beauty in the relationship( pause) and you are the Beast then he has no reason to be insecure. Beauty was never jealous that Beast was about to hit the clubs go pull Snow White and Cinderella. (I have no idea why all my references are Disney Movies) but I digress..Long story short, men and women are insecure.. If you wanna know how much just stand in the mirror together and figure out who is Beauty and who is Beast..BOOM!!!! p.s Who is the ugly one??!

Hurtem In The Morning!! BOOM

There is magical day that has held special meaning for every person in the world. Yes, that means ,you, the one reading this. It can easily be compared to Christmas, Valentines, and some other important day where you get something. ( Who doesn't like free gifts?) I'm excited just thinking about it now. ( Don't judge me) It's the first day of school people. It's the magical day when everyone comes back from summer break and convenes at school for one day. I say one day, because let’s be honest, after that first day of school some folks are not gonna be as important. The night before is almost just as intense. I remember looking at about 5 outfits laid out across my bed and almost going into cardiac arrest over the dilemma of which outfit to rock. Now some of you might be wondering, "what kind a dude has trouble picking out an outfit for school.” Guys wanna look good too.( Remember I said don't judge me)... You think Kanye doesn't spend time figuring out what kinda kilt he's gonna rock on stage with Jay...( Yes, my friends it was a kilt, possibly flown in from Scotland. But I digress.) The night before school is mixed with anxiety, excitement, and a little craziness. Everyone literally has the same mission that night before the first day of school. It is simply to HURTEM IN THE MORNING!! You want everyone to see ya. You wanna be fly, dope, cool, or whatever the current cool catch phrase is for that moment. You want guys to wanna be like ya and girls to want ya. For ladies it's a little different… You want ladies to be jealous and hating (tell the truth) and the guys to be staring you down as you walk through the halls. Aw man!!! All that crap you posted on Facebook and Twitter about how much of an awesome summer you were having (you were probably lying) means nothing. It's here and now. All of your handwork from the night before will show now! You popped that last pimple. You got the outfit right , and you drove your car because you finally got your license. You walk through the doors with excitement and then you're crushed almost immediately… At least 5 folks have the same outfit you got on. Welcome to the 1st day of school!! BOOM

Swag versus Baby Seals

Swag. It’s short for swagger. It’s a confidence that one has about themselves and it exudes from a person in the walk , talk, and just overall demeanor. Mine was on 100% the other day. Sun was shining ,water was wet, and the sky was blue. There was nothing cooler than me on this day. I was getting some lunch from a local deli when I saw this beautiful woman approaching me. We made eye contact. I didn’t mean to look, but it’s not every day that you see a Unicorn. Yes, she was that beautiful that I must say she was a Unicorn. So I grab my food and proceed back to my car and I notice that she must’ve have been parked near because she was walking behind me smiling. I turned back naturally and she responded with” Yes, I’m stalking you”. I couldn’t help but smile. She laughed and said I’m kidding. I’m just heading to my car. I laughed , but kept it cool. I used the Denzel laugh. I even clapped my hands like him. I didn’t flirt back( hi-five Stacie). I just kept my cool and got in my car. Like I said my swag was on 100% and clearly she was loving it. It just so happened that she was parked directly in front of me. She was staring and giving me the video vixen look. You know where they bite the bottom lip and give a slight smile. I still kept cool. I had on my shades so she couldn’t see my eyes. I was feeling good as the stare down continued. It felt good to know that I still had it. (It, being the glow of swag.) I started my car to back out and in that instant my swag was brought down to about 10%. A loud screeching noise rang out through the parking lot of the deli. It was if I ran over a pack of baby seals and they were squealing in agony. The beautiful women was startled and began looking around to see what in the world that noise was . There was no getting out of this one. My brakes were bad and in need of pads and this was their way of getting back at me for the neglect. They screamed bloody murder all through the parking lot. The beautiful woman was still trying to see where it was coming from. I quickly tried to turn up my music to drown out the baby seals, but it couldn’t drown out their cries. She realized it was my car screaming 911 and giggled a little bit. I continued bobbing my head to the music as if I didn’t hear what sounded like banshees wailing underneath my car. I smiled and left the parking lot bobbing my head to my music… My Swag had returned in that instant and was on 100% again. It didn’t even matter that I had baby seals screaming underneath my car. BOOM!!